Akatsuki Yard Sale
by AkiraDawn
Summary: The Leader' has asked his 7 faithful Akatsuki members to have a yard sale at his house...you can only imagine how tat may go. Rated for language. R&R! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 The Yard Sale

Akatsuki Yard Sale

Hey everyone! Thanx so much for reading! I hope you enjoy the yard sale!  
I don't own Naruto, it's characters of anything related to it.

Some Background…

Every year for the past 3 years Akatsuki has a yard sale on behalf of 'the leader'; he always let's them use his yard when he and his wife leave for the day to go shopping for patio furniture. Today is the day of the yard sale; however no one is ever very organized when it comes to running the yard sale successfully….

"Deidara, how long can it possibly take to put that pony tail on top of your head!" Itachi yelled at him, the other six of them were ready to leave for 'the leaders' house.  
"I'm coming! I'm looking for my cologne, yeah!" he yelled from his and Itachi's room.  
"You don't need cologne for a yard sale!" Zetsu yelled back. Finally, Deidara appeared smelling wonderfully. 24 minutes later they arrived at 'the leader's' house. The next step was to put the yard sale sign in the yard and pull all of the crap out of 'the leader's' garage. Sasori opened up the garage door only to see tables piled high full of crap, some of it was theirs that they had brought over the previous day, and some of it belonged to 'the leader'. It was agreed that if the seven of them would run the yard sale they could keep all the money. So, Kisame and Zetsu grabbed one table and hefted it slightly off the ground. It was really heavy and so they slowly moved it out to the driveway. Sasori grabbed some lawnmowers, Hidan and Kakuzu gathered several plastic crates of toys (yes, the leader had not one but 2 children, Akatsuki had only recently learned that). Deidara and Itachi were responsible for the boxes and hanging clothes strung out across the back of the garage. "Why are you selling this shirt, Itachi, yeah? You liked this shirt, yeah." Deidara asked.  
"It's stained on the inside…I don't know what it is." Itachi answered.  
"Kakuzu, we have never owned a Monopoly board, seriously! God!" Hidan was already arguing with Kakuzu over whether or not they had ever played Monopoly "You think we will beat last year's sale record?" Sasori asked Kisame setting the pink RAZR in a convenient location in the event that 'the leader' called.  
"I hope so, Deidara lost 10 pounds between last year and this year so he has some nice stuff he's selling. I'm hoping that will bring in some bucks." Kisame said "He didn't lose 10 pounds…he just got leaner whenhe and Itachi started running 3 miles 4 days a week and doing like 400 crunches and push ups combined!" Zetsu insisted. Zetsu was moving a box of plush toys when he looked down…something caught his attention.  
"Plushie? Tobi? Tobi plushie?" he said to himself…Zetzu stared at the box for the next 10 minutes.  
Hidan, go put the sign up in the yard." Itachi instructed him. Hidan took the sign to the edge of the yard, he read it:

YARD SALE TODAY! KICK ASS PRICES! LOTS OF COOL CRAP! DESIGNER CLOTHES, TOYS, OFFICE PRODUCTS, LAWN CARE ITEMS, COOL CRAP WITH AKATSUKI WRITTEN ON IT, DVDS, BOOKS, A LATTE MACHINE AND MORE!

Hidan wondered who made the sign it seemed a bit wordy…but he told himself not to actually ask who made it. He jammed the sign into the yard and returned to the driveway were everything was setting out.  
"What's wrong with the stereo, really?" Hidan asked.  
"We think Sasori accidentally poured beer into the speakers one night when we were drunk. But we won't tell the consumers that…besides, we're only asking $4.00 for it." Kisame said. Hidan thought that was a good idea. Zetsu had now picked up the Tobi plushie and was cradling it in his arms; he was still looming in the garage fascinated by the plushie.  
"Oh my god! Here comes our first customer, yeah!" Deidara was thrilled. "Remember, no high pressure, yeah!" Deidara said as an older woman parked her car in front of 'the leader's' house. She was barely out of the car when…  
"Hi welcome to our yard sale, yeah!" Deidara was apparently the self appointed hospitality coordinator. Sasori and Itachi were checking prices on items, making certain everything was marked. Hidan and Kakuzu watched the woman carefully; they would probably flip if she didn't buy something. Zetsu was still…in another universe. "Oh, well aren't you a sweet boy." It was just the thing an older woman would say. Itachi noticed this and his twisted mind began…well...twisting. If Deidara would his blonde charm…perhaps it would generate more sales. Itachi walked up to him, grabbing him and pulling him aside.  
"You keep talking to people like that, they buy our crap!" Itachi whispered.  
"Itachi! I was sincerely welcoming her, yeah!" Deidara said.  
"Yeah, yeah, okay, I don't' care…just keep doing it." Itachi insisted, patting him on the back and leaving to sort through more prices. The woman started going through some of 'the leader's' wife's clothes….they had her right where they wanted her… 


	2. Chapter 2 The First Sales

I don't own Naruto, its characters or anything related to it.

Three more customers showed up while the older woman was still sorting through everything. All the prices had been successfully checked, however, Itachi thought some of the prices were too low and he went around adding 1's to various things.

"Deidara! You fool! What the hell's wrong with the white and green Hollister shirt?" Itachi wanted to know. "And why did you mark it…$2.00, yeah (by the way, any item Deidara marked, he wrote yeah after the price…go figure)." Deidara motioned Itachi over to him, he started whispering to him.

"Ooooooh….ooooooooooh….yeah that was a messy night." Deidara shook his head yes very quickly.

"Yes, Itachi it was, yeah. That's why I'm selling this, yeah."

"Well, mark it down to $1.50…that night was crazy…no wonder we put those sheets from that night in the yard sale too." Itachi said.

"Excuse me, sir? Can I pay you for this lovely ceramic mushroom?" the older woman asked.

"Tobi, plushy. Tobi plushy, Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy." Zetsu was...well…preoccupied.

"Okay, well I'll ask one of those other nice boys." The older woman said. She paid Sasori and left with the horrible looking ceramic mushroom.

"Alright, but listen that is a quality vacuum cleaner, seriously. If you don't believe me try it here on the driveway, really! $23.00 is as low as I'll go." Hidan was standing firm on his price for 'the leaders' vacuum cleaner. So, the skeptical woman decided to plug the vacuum in the socket in 'the leaders' garage and began sweeping the floor. Unfortunately, the woman caught an old Akatsuki robe in the vacuum cleaner.

"Oh shit! You're sucking it! You're sucking it!" Sasori yelled at the woman.

"Wow! This thing really sucks! I mean watch it go!" The woman was impressed by the fact that the vacuum had sucked up half the Akatsuki robe. She unplugged it and pulled the robe back out…it looked even worse than it did before.

"You know what; if you take the vacuum you can have that robe free, really." Hidan said.

"It's a deal!" The woman slapped $23.00 in Hidan's hand. Kakuzu was in charge of the yard sale 'banking'. "Um, is Zetsu okay, seriously?" Hidan asked Itachi. Itachi looked into the garage….

"Tobi, plushy. Tobi plushy, Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy."

"God…he really needs to get laid or find a hobby or quite being a PLANT!" Itachi yelled at him. "He's fine." Itachi answered.

"Well you see I'm pale blue because I'm shark-like." Kisame was explaining to a customer.

"So, are you for sale?" the man asked. Kisame's eye twitched and he felt a sweat drop form over his forehead.

"Umm…no…however I can make you a sweet deal on this handsome alarm clock that plays an Elvis medley at excruciatingly annoying volumes in the early morning hours. Look, Elvis gyrates his hips." Kisame was such a salesman.

"Wow! My mother-in-law has been looking for a clock like that! I'll give you $10.00 for that!" the man said.

"But the price is only marked…okay!" Kisame has made $7.00 off this sale.

Meanwhile back in the garage with less helpful Akatsuki members…

"Tobi, plushy. Tobi plushy, Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy. Tobi plushy." SO far everything at the yard sale had gone smoothly, Kakuzu was counting the money and they had already made $37.00 in 30 minutes.

"Hey, how much is this paperweight that says 'Akatsuki is the shit' my boss would love this! He's all about paperweights!"

"Oh that thing, $1.00….we have about 20 of those…it was a fundraiser gone horribly wrong." Sasori said with disgust in his voice that anyone would want those wretched things.

"What about these pencils that say 'Got Itachi'?" The man asked holding up a box.

"Once again, a fund raiser gone horribly awry… $3.50 for the box."

"Man! You all have the greatest office supplies! Oh my god! Binders…who's Orochimaru and why does he suck?" the man asked. The binders read 'Orochimaru you suck' on the front.

"Sir, I'll give you all our office supplies for $45.00 if you like." Sasori was getting a little frustrated explaining everything to him. The man screamed in delight.

"Even the mouse pad with the red clouds on it?"

"Yes, even the mouse pad." The man handed Sasori $45.00 and he smiled as the horrid office products left the yard sale.

"Okay, I assure you, these pants will fit him." Now, it was Itachi's turn to make a sale.

"Hmmm…I don't know, my son is about your size."

"Listen, your son may be my size, but look at me. Now, honestly, does he have all this?" Itachi looked at the woman who was obviously at least 10 years older that him and didn't really care how hot Itachi was. The woman thought a moment.

"Well, you are pretty."

"Oh, ma'am…I know. Now, see the blonde over there trying to demo the salad shooter for that man? Now do you think I'm better looking than him?" The woman thought again.

"Well… Um…I really don't care so… my son can wear these. I'll them."

"Great! $35.00 seven pair at $5.00 a piece, you got a bargain. You have a great day!" Itachi said, but then he realized it wasn't like him to tell someone to have a great day. The next thing that was heard was Deidara screaming because he got his hair caught in the salad shooter…that's why the salad shooter ended up in the yard sale to begin with…


	3. Chapter 3 Trama and SlipNSlides

"Kakuzu, I need change, really." Hidan said handing Kakuzu a twenty.

"Hmmm…okay. Well, are you wanting change for the twenty or did someone purchase something and now you need to give them change?" Kakuzu asked.

"I need $12.00 change. Hurry up, seriously! That woman wants to go to Wendy's."

"Oh, $12.00 will go a long way on the 99 cent Value Menu!" Kakauzu said.

"That's what I told her….Wait! Kakuzu, really hurry up!" Hidan yelled at him.

"So, wait…it's all natural? No highlights? Not even in the front?" a young woman asked Deidara, she was probably 20.

"Not even in the front, yeah." Deidara smiled. "Well, now I have to admit, the sun has lightened me up a little bit, yeah."

"Baby, with a tan like that the sun can lighten you up all it wants." She told him. Deidara smiled again.

"You know, I have something you would go wild for, yeah." Now, Deidara being the more innocent between him and Itachi…was referring to yard sale items. The young woman looked at Deidara with hopeful eyes. She screamed.

"Oh my god!"

"Yes, that's right, yeah. A Slip-N-Slide, yeah!" Deidara was excited. Then he got an idea… "Oh my god! You want to hook it up to the hose in the backyard, yeah!"

"That's perfect! I promise I'll buy it!" the woman said, and so Deidara led her to the backyard where he was going to hook up the Slip-N-Slide.

"Oh my god! Kakuzu! Change! Now, seriously!" Hidan was losing his temper.

"Okay, okay. Do you want one 5 and seven ones, or 12 ones, or perhaps a combination of coins and bills or…" Hidan cut Kakuzu off.

"OH MY GOD! GIVE ME THE DAMN CHANGE, REALLY!" And Hidan clobbered Kakuzu in anger.

"Yeah, this is the latte machine. I assure you it works perfectly." Kisame was trying to sell the latte machine.

"Do you drink a lot of latte?" a man asked him.

"Well, not really. Actually, I don't know what the hell a latte is, but Deidara, Itachi and 'the leader' seem to know all about them and they say that latte's are the bitch." Kisame told him.

"Well……Oh!" A screaming Kakuzu was hurled at the man by Hidan…Hidan had taken over the money.

"So…..does this mean you want the latter machine?" Kisame asked nervously.

"Yes, I'll take it!" the man mumbled from underneath Kakuzu.

"Oh god! I have never been this wet!" the young woman shouted coming around from the back of 'the leaders' house with the Slip-N-Slide folded up in her arms. Deidara was more than soaked.

"Okay, so here's $17.00!" The delighted woman left in a hurry…she was going home to hook the Slip-N-Slide up to her hose. Itachi glared at Deidara.

"You had to wear white today didn't you….DIDN'T YOU! Don't you even realize that you plus wet t-shirt equals less attention on ME! God!" Itachi yelled at Deidara.

"Itachi relax, yeah. We still have that kiddie pool that could use a practice fill…you can test that, yeah." Deidara patted him on the back in reassurance.

"Oh my god! This is the best yard sale ever! Deidara…you're a genius!

"Noooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo! Damn it! Noooooooooooo" Zetsu was not happy…2 small children had spotted the Tobi plushy and they decided they wanted it along with three other plush toys. "MY TOBI PLUSHY! MY TOBI PLUSHY! MY TOBI PLUSHYYYYYYYYY! TOBI PLUSHYYYY! Noooooooooooooo!" Zetsu started to cry as one of the kids paid Sasori for the plushy's. He watched in pain as the delighted kids jumped into the car with their parents. "TOBIIIIIIIIII!" Zetsu was reaching to the street in agony. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Zetsu….suck it up…" Sasori said heartlessly. Zetsu rolled around in the garage some more crying.

"Hidan, what's our grand total thus far?" Sasori asked.

"$787.00, seriously." He answered.

"Oh my god! That's almost enough money to replace the stereo I poured beer in! By the way has that thing sold yet?" Sasori asked.

"It did…Itachi got $4.00 out of it. It's weird, really. It's like our female customers look at Itachi and they'll buy anything from him!" Hidan said enthusiastically.

"Hmmm…maybe we should have brought all those pot holders shaped in different pieces of fruit from the apartment." Sasori said.

"Itachi could sell them, I assure you, really." Hidan reassured him. And so the noon hour approached and the yard sale was still going strong.


	4. Chapter 4 Kabuto's Purchase

"Oh god! Well, our day is officially ruined!" Kisame said disgruntled.

"Kisame." Kabuto said walking up the driveway.

"Kabuto." Kisame said disgusted.

"I see you're having your annual yard sale. Is this to raise money for your little club?" Kabuto taunted. Kisame flipped out.

"WE ARE NOT A CLUB! WE ARE AN EVIL ORGANIZATION! AND THIS MONEY IS GOING TOWARDS COOL CRAP FOR OUR APARMENT…AND INTO ITACHI AND DEIDARA'S CLOTHES BUDGET!" Kisame was ready to shred Kabuto into a million pieces.

"Calm down, calm down. I know you're all…evil and stuff. Looks you guys have some pretty lame crap to sell." Kabuto adjusted his glasses.

"Oh why don't you just go to hell!" Kisame screamed at him. However, the very moment that Kisame was going to punch Kabuto's lights out; Kabuto caught eye of something…

"Oh my god! Is this Gladiator starring Russell Crowe on DVD? Orochimaru and I have been dying to watch this!" Kisame got an idea…

"You know, I'll sell that to you…for $20.00." Kisame had increased the price by $15.00. Kabuto, being the non bargain hunter that he was, fell for it.

"I'll take it! No….way…is that a CD of 1970's Disco Classics digitally re-mastered! Shit! Orochimaru and I have been looking for a kick ass Disco compilation CD! I must have this!" Kabuto exclaimed. Kisame smiled.

"$10.00."

"Deal!" Kabuto said quickly. Kisame smiled and continued to sell overpriced yard sale items to Kabuto.

"Zetsu, are you…okay, really?" Hidan asked.

"Oh, oh Hidan…I'm a little better now. It's just that…Tobi plushy…"

"It's okay, man, seriously. Why don't you go try to sell that Barbie beach ball." Hidan encouraged him

"Yeah, that's a good idea." And so Zetsu was off to sell the Barbie beach ball. The total money at this point for the yard sale was now $1018.00. The next thing the 7 of them really wanted to sell was the remainder of the DVD/CD collection. 'The leader' had some really strange DVD's and CD's and it was assumed that Sasori's old work out DVD's would bring a little bit of cash. Kakuzu was trying to wear a customer down.

"Okay…look…I'll make you an offer you can't refuse…the final cost of $35.00 for this entire stack of CD's which includes Bruce Springsteen Live, NSYNC, Carrie Underwood and many others, I'll throw in the CD tower, and….you can sleep with one of those tow over there." Kakuzu felt certain that this time he had a sale. The woman looked at Itachi who was arguing with Kabuto over flat irons and how flat irons are typically something a woman would use and Deidara who had his fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap and was panicking while Sasori tried to get him out.

"Riiiiiiiight…like I'm going to sleep with that." The woman said rolling her eyes. Kakuzu was a little shocked.

"You obviously don't know who you're talking about. Fine! $30.00!" Kakuzu was disappointed that he had lost $5.00 on this sale. But nonetheless, he took the $30.00 and added it to their money pouch. Itachi had finally managed to run Kabuto off, but not before he purchased a hot pink bean bag chair, a 10 inch skillet, a leaf blower, and a set of 6 'Akatsuki, yeah' liquor glasses. There was still a lot of yard sale stuff to go and 'the leader' was coming back at 8:00 that night.

"Did you know 'the leader' had a Burberry coat in this yard sale?" Itachi asked Deidara mortified that 'the leader' would do such a thing.

"I had no idea, yeah! Wait….Itachi, remember when 'the leader' got a new Burberry last fall, yeah? This must be the one that he wore the lining out of, yeah." Deidara told him. Itachi opened the coat and sure enough, the lining was worn through.

"Well, it will still fetch at least $10.00." Itachi insisted. Deidara agreed. It was approaching the 1:30 hour and Sasori was assigned to go get lunch while everyone else managed the yard sale…oh god…Sasori would need a paper and pencil for this…

"Sasori, where are you going?" Kisame wanted to know.

"I think I'll go to Panera Bread." Sasori had barely finished his sentence when Deidara made a mad dash for Sasori to tell him what he wanted.

"Oh my god! I love Panera Bread, Danna I want some of that potato soup in the bread bowl, yeah!"

"What if they don't have potato soup today, like they did that other time and you couldn't decide what to get?" Sasori asked.

"Ummmmm…..then I would like…..a sandwich, something with turkey, yeah." Sasori scribbled that down.

"I'll take one of those steak salads with the vinaigrette dressing." Kisame told him.

"So…what does Panera Bread have, seriously? Hidan asked.

"Bread and…panera stuff." Itachi said. "Sasori, if they have lemonade get me lemonade." Itachi continued.

"I' think I'll have some of the bread Itachi mentioned, really." Hidan said and then he ran off to pray, he had only prayed like 4 times that day and it wasn't enough.

"Sasori, get me whatever you get." Kakuzu said.

"I'll take a salad…with real Ranch, Sasori not the fake shit! The real stuff!" Zetsu told him.

"Wait, wait, Danna! I just remembered, yeah. I'm counting carbs this week so I don't the bread bowl…I'll take the normal kind of bowl, yeah." Deidara had alredy changed his mind…and it was a chain reaction after that…before too long Sasori had to rewrite the list 3 times…and then he was off to Panera Bread….


	5. Chapter 5 The Final Hours

"Can you believe it? I sold the kiddie pool, that stupid lamp from 'the leader's living room, our old comforter and matching sheets, Sasuke's report cards, and that set of dishes we don't use anymore." Itachi was thrilled with his sales, and he was dripping wet from demonstrating the kiddie pool.

"You know the only reason we stopped using those dishes is because Kisame painted the kitchen and the dishes didn't match anymore." Sasori said.

"Yeah, it's a good thing Mikasa was having a sale the week he painted. Deidara and I got a steal price on those new ones." Itachi said.

"Okay, so we've made $2231.00 and we're going to stay here for three more hours, right, seriously?" Hidan asked. "You know, I prayed this morning that this yard sale would go well, really." He added.

"Yeah, three more hours and then we'll leave a note for the 'the leader', go home and change clothes and head out to T.G.I. Fridays." Zetsu said. Overall, with the exception of Kabuto's visit, everyone was pleased with his year's yard sale.

"And you know I'm on tonight, you know my hips don't lie and I'm starting to feel its right, yeah."

"Deidara…if you don't stop singing that to me I swear I'm going to tear the tongues out of your hands!" Kisame seldom lost patience with Deidara (probably because Kisame made it a point to stick Itachi with Deidara as much as possible) but Deidara had been singing Shakira medleys to Kisame for the past 15 minutes while refolding clothes.

"You're no fun Kisame, yeah. See, this why you're stressed all the time, yeah."

"Because I don't sing Shakira hits to others?" Kisame asked dryly.

"No, because you don't ever listen to the radio, yeah." The customer who had pulled up had their radio blaring and Deidara was trying to get Kisame to sing with him…but he wouldn't do it.

The family had gotten out of the car and immediately the father spotted something he simply had to have.

"Hey, how much for the painting of the surfing bowl of fruit?"

"$7.00, yeah." Dediara told him. And so Deidara sold the ridiculous painting ('the leader's' wife had painted it in her beginner oil paints class. Deidara loved making fun of her lack of talent).

"Wow! Is this a stack of bath towel? How much do you boys want for these?" the woman had hit gold.

"Oh those aren't any bath towel, those are 100 Egyptian Cotton Ralph Lauren, Nautica, Kenneth Cole, and The Hotel Collection bath towels. Call it…the towel sampler pack." My Itachi had a way with words…

"Now, why would you boys want to sell these, they are so plush!" the woman was examining the stack of 13 bath towels.

"Well, we replaced ours with some trendier colors." Itachi told her, taking one out of the stack to dry his still wet hair.

"I'll take them!" The woman was elated and handed Itachi $10.00. However, only a few moments later she discovered the wretched pot holders that Sasori had brought from the kitchen, they looked diseased and half of them were burned from where Deidara always left them on the stove. "I'll take these pot holders! They're delightful!" Itachi figured this woman was nuts to want to buy the pot holders, one was a pod of grapes, one was an orange square (well was before it was burned), one was a circle made to look like a ladybug, one was plaid, there was a purple one, a frog shaped one, of course a shark one, a daisy one and an apple one. Itachi took $3.00 from her and still wondered why she wanted those horrid things.

"Hey why does this Twister board smell like vodka?" The father asked ( his kids told him it smelled funny). Itachi and Deidara laughed.

"Oh….yeah about that, yeah. Well, we were really drunk the last time we played Twister, yeah."

"Oh well, okay. Um…did you know there is a bikini in the box?" Itachi and Deidara looked at the man and then at each other.

"Oh my god…no wonder that girl never called me back! God, she's been missing that for like what…6 months…she probably thought I kept it on purpose." Itachi paused. Deidara had agreed with everything he said. "You know, I'll give you that Twister game for $1.00 if you take the bikini with it and if anyone asks…you didn't get that from us." Itachi told him.

"Sweet! We'll play this at our next family reunion!" the man was delighted.

"Should we tell him that he may want to wash that first, yeah?" Deidara whispered.

"Shut up!" Itachi demanded.

"This…is...GORGEOUS!" what the woman was referring to was an in table that used to sit in 'the leaders' study. It was ugly as ugly could get. She bought it for $13.00.

Well, by the end of the yard sale somehow Kakuzu had taken control of the money once again. It had been a successful day and Zetsu was out in the yard trying as hard as he could to pull the sign out. The grand total for the day was $2687.00. Soon, 'the leader' would be returning with new patio furniture. It was time to head back to the apartment and celebrate with dinner at T.G.I. Friday's

Okay everyone…that's all for the yard sale. However, get ready for the next story Akatsuki Camping Trip. Thanx to Katie for the suggestion! I'm glad everyone likes my Akatsuki stories. I should have the first chapter posted very soon! Much Love AkiraDawn


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